


never going back

by spilled_notes



Series: December of Drabbles [5]
Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-11 05:06:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8954812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spilled_notes/pseuds/spilled_notes
Summary: Bernie finds enlightenment in an unexpected place.





	

**Author's Note:**

> If you're after an alternative version of _Let It Go_ , try the a cappella cover by Pentatonix.  
> (I feel I should point out that I'm not a fan of either the film or the song. I just happened to hear it, and you know what it's like when an idea lodges itself...)

It’s around the tenth repeat of _Let It Go_ when Serena begins to wonder, with a roll of her eyes and a barely suppressed sigh, why on earth they agreed to babysit so Fletch could finish his Christmas shopping. Bernie, saint that she is, is playing with Ella while Serena helps Mikey and Evie to wrap presents, Theo on her lap happily crayoning a picture of his family, Raf included, around a Christmas tree.

‘No contest really, is there?’ Serena had teased, ‘if that wine was anything to go by.’

‘I’ll have you know I was nervous and in a hurry. You try gift wrapping in the back of a cab,’ Bernie scowled playfully, but conceded and allowed herself to be dragged away by Ella after dinner. Allowed herself to be persuaded into braiding the girl’s hair, heart clenching as she remembered sitting like this with Charlotte, transformed from surgeon into hairstylist as nimble fingers attempted (with varying degrees of success) to replicate whatever her sweet girl had set her heart on this time.

Ella doesn’t notice her melancholy, too busy dancing around her room in her ‘Elsa dress’ with her ‘Elsa hair’ and belting out the chorus yet again. Bernie pushes it to one side to be dealt with later, smiles as Ella pretends to bring her toys to life or turn them into snowmen or whatever the conceit of the film is.

With so many repetitions the lyrics have started to seep into Bernie’s mind but now she finds herself paying attention to them, a surge of emotions suddenly filling her and tears stinging her eyes.

_It’s a bloody Disney song, woman,_ she thinks, _not Shakespeare. Pull yourself together._

But she can’t help it.

And now it’s not about Charlotte but about her. Not about what she might have lost with her little girl but about what she _has_ lost of herself, what she’s denied and hidden and suppressed. What’s come bursting out of her with–

‘I think it’s time to get ready for bed now, Ella,’ Serena says from the doorway, but her gaze is fixed on Bernie. Bernie, whose eyes are wide and glistening, an expression Serena can’t name on her face.

‘No,’ Ella says firmly.

‘How about one more time?’ Bernie suggests. ‘And,’ she adds, before Ella can protest, ‘I’ll dance with you.’

Ella grins and nods, and Bernie swings her up and spins her around the room.

_Can’t hold it back any more,_ she thinks, a tear slipping down her cheek but a smile touching her lips as she meets Serena’s eye. _Don’t want to. Don’t need to. Won’t._

*

When the kitchen is tidied and all is quiet, the younger two asleep and the older two in their rooms, Bernie catches Serena around the waist and draws her close, swaying on the tiles.

‘I’m never going back to how I was before,’ she murmurs, lips almost touching Serena’s ear. ‘Never.’

‘Finding enlightenment in a Disney song?’ Serena teases, but her voice is thick with emotion.

‘I mean it,’ Bernie says, pulling back to meet Serena’s eye, hand rising to cup her cheek. ‘You’ve set me free, Serena. I’m never hiding who I am – who I love – again. And I’m not going to run from it either.’

Serena’s breath catches in her throat at Bernie’s words. ‘What?’ she says, incapable of anything more.

‘I’m never hiding again,’ Bernie repeats. ‘Or running.’

Serena shakes her head. ‘Not that.’ She stares at Bernie, eyes pleading.

‘I love you,’ Bernie says, lips curving into a wide smile. ‘I love you, and I don’t care who knows it.’

She feels a tiny burst of panic when Serena just continues to stare at her, but it vanishes when Serena’s hand slips into her hair, when Serena’s mouth is against hers, hot and soft and smiling – _oh_ , a smile to rival her own.

And then their foreheads are pressed together and they’re both laughing and crying and gazing at each other with eyes alight.

‘Are you alright?’ comes Mikey’s voice from the hall. ‘Blonde job hasn’t upset you again, has she?’

‘No, Mikey,’ Serena says, tearing her gaze from Bernie, hand reaching for hers.

‘Why you crying then?’ he frowns.

Before she can answer they hear the front door open and Mikey shoots off to greet his Dad, desperate to sneak a glimpse of his presents before Fletch has chance to hide them.

‘But I also understand,’ Bernie says softly, as Fletch fends off his son, ‘why you don’t want everyone at work to know. I know what the rumour mill’s like and I, uh, I know I left you to deal with it alone.’

‘It isn’t because it’s you,’ Serena says, fiddling with her necklace. ‘It isn’t because I want to hide you – us. I just don’t like my personal life being everyone’s preferred topic of conversation.’

‘It would be the same if I– if I were a man?’

‘Yes,’ Serena confirms. ‘Edward never could understand it – but then gossip was always like water off a duck’s back to him.’

‘ _I_ understand,’ Bernie says, squeezing her hand gently.

Serena smiles, ghosts her thumb across Bernie’s _(gorgeous, defined, heavenly)_ cheekbone. ‘I just– I don’t want to give the entire hospital a ready source of fodder. Not when–’ Her breath hitches and her voice drops. ‘Not when this means so much to me.’

Bernie bites her lip, then offers that delectable half smile. ‘So, not hiding, but not flaunting?’ she suggests with a tilt of her head.

‘Exactly,’ Serena says, relieved, shifting closer so she can whisper into Bernie’s ear. ‘You can also be quite difficult to resist, Ms. Wolfe. Much safer to leave it at home.’

‘Irresistible, hm?’ Bernie murmurs, hand running down Serena’s spine to settle in the small of her back.

‘Don’t look so smug,’ Serena scolds.

‘You can’t see my face.’

‘Don’t need to,’ Serena smiles against Bernie’s neck. ‘I can hear it.’

‘Thank you _so_ much,’ Fletch says, coming into the kitchen.

Bernie tenses, goes to spring away but Serena stays close as she turns to Fletch, holds her hand firmly.

‘You’re very welcome,’ Serena smiles. ‘Although I think we’ve both had enough of _Frozen_ to last us until next Christmas.’

‘Tell me about it,’ Fletch groans.

‘Did you get everything you needed?’ Bernie asks, slipping her free hand to rest on Serena’s hip and seeing her smile out of the corner of her eye.

‘I think so,’ he grins, and then raises his voice slightly. ‘I’d tell you, but the walls have ears.’

They hear the scamper of bare feet on the floorboards down the hall, and Fletch shakes his head. ‘Nightmare, he is,’ he says fondly.

‘Wonder where he gets that from?’ Serena teases.

‘Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,’ Bernie adds, moving away so they can gather up their things and head for the front door.

‘Like you can talk,’ Fletch smirks. ‘Anyway, thanks again, I really appreciate it. Oh, and Serena?’

Serena stops as Bernie steps outside and goes on ahead to unlock her car.

‘It’s really good to see you so happy.’

Serena glances after Bernie and smiles, warmth filling her. Then looks sharply at Fletch, but the glow doesn’t leave her eyes.

‘Don’t worry,’ he says, holding up his hands. ‘My lips are sealed. Guts for garters and all that.’

‘It’s not a secret, Fletch,’ she berates him gently. ‘But if I hear you’ve used inside knowledge to win big…’

‘I wouldn’t dare. Some things are too important to gamble on.’

‘Or too important _not_ to gamble on,’ Serena says softly. ‘Thank you, Fletch.’

‘Are you coming?’ Bernie calls from the car.

‘Yes, dear,’ Serena replies, rolling her eyes at Fletch, who squeezes her shoulder.

‘I’m happy for you – both of you,’ he says sincerely. ‘We all are.’


End file.
